I have a bad habit.
I always put mental block within my mind.
"I cannot do this." "I cannot do that." "I hate to do this." "Why do you people hate me so much to do this job?" "Why do you force me to take this way? I'm suffering right now!"
Ok, the last one is a bit personal.
Currently, this is what I'm having right now. Depression. Emotional Explosion. Rejection. Fear. Insecure. Vulnerable. Inferior. And many more negative thoughts playing in my mind.
I can blame myself for choosing those feeling to play their music in my psychopath minded as they play the song after the songs of Happiness, Hope, Pleased, Motivation, Strong-Heart are tired of playing their orchestra since two months ago. When positivity reduced, there will be a gap in our life. And what kind of things that like to fill the gap most of the time? Negativity. The song of jealousy will jump first. And then followed by the song of Rejection, Fear, Insecure, Vulnerable. They than create a concert within one's self called Tour of Depressions, Featuring Popular Depression Artists such as Amy Whining, Bill Yelling, Chris Crying and Justin Complaining. The Hit Songs from the Tour of Depression are: Baby, Hire Me Now, Bad Boys Unemployed, My Dream Job Fly Away, Why I can't have you?, Listen To My Cry, Dumb Family is Dumb, I Want To Die, Don't mess with Me, I Don't Want to be control anymore.
The song of positivity is hard to penetrate once the Tour of Depression was commenced. They started play their positive musics to the clubs around the town and plan to go for underground sales.
Positive songs are getting popular but not as popular as Tour of Depression song. Their best hits currently are: Yes I can Do IT!, Gimme more job interviews (Featuring Glowing Britney), Shut up (if you know nothing about me), I will take my leap, I am stronger, Catch the dream, Kick out the voices, I'm breaking through (Featuring Vanessa Alert and Zac Wisdom) and the most crazy positive song, Why Not? has been the most popular positive song in the list.
So I just stop whining a bit and question myself. Why not?
Why Not if I just pursue my dream job and give no care about what people say? Why not?
Why Not if I just go and find a new field which is totally new to me and start from scratch? Why not?
Why Not I just celebrate all the success my friend have right now? Why not?
Why Not I just fll my life with positivity and live my life as God want? Why not?
Why Not I just go further my studies, let my brother pay for it, and may be i find happiness someday? Why not?
Why not I just stop all the whining, let my ear deaf to all criticism as some of them are bullshit? Why not?
Why not I just have my own program, do whatever i love to do regardless what people say? Why not?
Why not I just think positive on what is happening to me and let it be my experience for people to take lesson from my life? Why not?
All of this why Nots takes a great attitude to endure the pain, the falls, the crazy arrangements, the depression, the whinings, the tears, the yellings, the insecurity, to pass through all of them.
I takes great courage to stay positive for three months with no depression solution. I'm stuck here. I need to get out from this. I must plan something. I must run away.
Yes I need an escape
An escape to runa away from all of this.
Or else I'm gonna die from depression, family depression, internal quarrel and not to mention, self destruction.
People think they know who I am, but they did not really know who I am. If they read this, they will just know I am just a whining pig talking bout what I did not have, what I did not achieve. But they never asked themselves. What they had done before to me until I was driven crazy like this?
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Freaking out
Yerp. I am. Now. Until now.
What you will do when you thought your dream job is not gonna happen and suddenly it drop down in front of you, begging you to take it with you... and.... you have to leave it as a matter that it violates some of the rules that you should not break, which you didn't know them?
Two months, two weeks. Nothing was done. Job hunting, interviews, scams, decline, decline, decline, they decline, I decline, everybody decline.
This is a tough journey for me. Very tough. Kinda glad, but kinda sad. Kinda glad because I now understand that life is not as easy as you think. Once you almost got what you wanted for years, but due to your academic excellency, you have to let your dream job go, not to mention the job somehow abet with religion's rules..... the last key word just make my tongue numb, my brain want to explode, my eyes was ready to roll down the warm tears and I want to shout but I couldn't. I want to cry but I couldn't do that. Thanx to you. I still need some family advice. If not, I'm just gonna roll that by myself.
I used to be busy. Super busy. Day and night. Regardless the season. Everything is the same to me. But after i got the news, I almost think my world fell apart, crumbled, trashed. And this crazy thinking came to my mind. Honestly, I was thinking. "Why the hell I spent five years just to be in the company where i never know i will be in the company or not, by taking something I have no passion, i have no interest at all?" And this crazy thinking came with another crazy idea "You put me in this, where I have to go through all of this, and if I'm done here with nothing, you gonna let me here alone?"
Those i would say, are my dark sides. The negative part of me.
I tried to make things as positive i could. Well, easy said than done. This is the toughest month for me compared last two months. You still have courage, positive mindset, positive attitudes, and you can fight depression very well. Not this month. For me, I handled my depression quite bad this month. I yelled, almost cried, I think of looking for another job, bla bla bla. Everything is in my mind, I'm losing my focus. that what one of the interviewer told me.
I have to pass my dream job, my degree isn't really reflect my ability+ personality, I have debt to pay (which I think I need to bear them alone), my future employer released me from employment (reason I have to pay the debt) and the position I'm looking isn't enough to cover the debt in one year after, and now I'm having a phase which I feel down everytime I planned not happened as it is and I'm losing ideas for contingency plans.
My brother agreed to help me to further my studies in Master. However he can't afford much. But he must help me to get my master degree if I don't get a job by next year. If I get a job by end of this year, if it is just a contract, I'm gonna further my studies. If I cannot further my studies, I will make sure my brother fully responsible on my expenditure, my life afterwards. He really like to meddle into my life.
Life has lots of IF. A computer, an agent or even an AI can't really solve this problems. God works are working in a complex way. I'm just gonna tag along with this game.
For someone who has nobody in this world, this freak me out. Yes, I'm freaking out.
What you will do when you thought your dream job is not gonna happen and suddenly it drop down in front of you, begging you to take it with you... and.... you have to leave it as a matter that it violates some of the rules that you should not break, which you didn't know them?
Two months, two weeks. Nothing was done. Job hunting, interviews, scams, decline, decline, decline, they decline, I decline, everybody decline.
This is a tough journey for me. Very tough. Kinda glad, but kinda sad. Kinda glad because I now understand that life is not as easy as you think. Once you almost got what you wanted for years, but due to your academic excellency, you have to let your dream job go, not to mention the job somehow abet with religion's rules..... the last key word just make my tongue numb, my brain want to explode, my eyes was ready to roll down the warm tears and I want to shout but I couldn't. I want to cry but I couldn't do that. Thanx to you. I still need some family advice. If not, I'm just gonna roll that by myself.
I used to be busy. Super busy. Day and night. Regardless the season. Everything is the same to me. But after i got the news, I almost think my world fell apart, crumbled, trashed. And this crazy thinking came to my mind. Honestly, I was thinking. "Why the hell I spent five years just to be in the company where i never know i will be in the company or not, by taking something I have no passion, i have no interest at all?" And this crazy thinking came with another crazy idea "You put me in this, where I have to go through all of this, and if I'm done here with nothing, you gonna let me here alone?"
Those i would say, are my dark sides. The negative part of me.
I tried to make things as positive i could. Well, easy said than done. This is the toughest month for me compared last two months. You still have courage, positive mindset, positive attitudes, and you can fight depression very well. Not this month. For me, I handled my depression quite bad this month. I yelled, almost cried, I think of looking for another job, bla bla bla. Everything is in my mind, I'm losing my focus. that what one of the interviewer told me.
I have to pass my dream job, my degree isn't really reflect my ability+ personality, I have debt to pay (which I think I need to bear them alone), my future employer released me from employment (reason I have to pay the debt) and the position I'm looking isn't enough to cover the debt in one year after, and now I'm having a phase which I feel down everytime I planned not happened as it is and I'm losing ideas for contingency plans.
My brother agreed to help me to further my studies in Master. However he can't afford much. But he must help me to get my master degree if I don't get a job by next year. If I get a job by end of this year, if it is just a contract, I'm gonna further my studies. If I cannot further my studies, I will make sure my brother fully responsible on my expenditure, my life afterwards. He really like to meddle into my life.
Life has lots of IF. A computer, an agent or even an AI can't really solve this problems. God works are working in a complex way. I'm just gonna tag along with this game.
For someone who has nobody in this world, this freak me out. Yes, I'm freaking out.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Dream Job
I once had a dream. A dream created when I was a small boy. I talked to my late mom about this. I am confidence that I suit this job very much. I like the job because it allows me to talk to many people, taking care of them with love and let them have their journey safe and comfortable.
Last weekend, I attended the interview. I had my luck. I was selected. But mt family must oppose me from getting this job as my career. I'm in dilemma. I consult my friend, my sister. Everyone gives their support. I feel like I'm gonna get this job.
Then I called my brother. One word. It stopped me from getting the job. It's very hard for me to make the decision. I have to decline the offer. I'm good with the job. I know I can excel in the job and I can be the best employee in the job. But then, just one sentence made me think twice.
I may decline the offer. God, Kill me for doing this. I feel terrible. For myself, for my family.
I need a break. Away from here. Perhaps, an escape. Yes, an escape. I will do it.
Last weekend, I attended the interview. I had my luck. I was selected. But mt family must oppose me from getting this job as my career. I'm in dilemma. I consult my friend, my sister. Everyone gives their support. I feel like I'm gonna get this job.
Then I called my brother. One word. It stopped me from getting the job. It's very hard for me to make the decision. I have to decline the offer. I'm good with the job. I know I can excel in the job and I can be the best employee in the job. But then, just one sentence made me think twice.
I may decline the offer. God, Kill me for doing this. I feel terrible. For myself, for my family.
I need a break. Away from here. Perhaps, an escape. Yes, an escape. I will do it.
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