"When your friends become a complete stranger to you, what would you do??|| Hating myself"
This is an abandoned post.
I have been keeping this post since last year. I have no gut to post it here because I was so dump, so fragile to tell everything.
I wrote this post for different purpose, aiming different people. Now, I just dedicate this post to a person who I care the most. Who once, became a place for me to hold strong.
I had this feeling. A feeling where a close friend become a complete stranger. I pray that one day, anyone I know will not become a stranger to me. God does not grant a wish easily. Man always make mistakes, over and over.
It is hurt to know the person you had good time together hate you the most, because of you yourself. I made that mistake. I confess I should not put you in the situation, letting you hate me and avoid me for your whole life.
But dear, life is cruel. Whenever you try to run away from it, it will come closer to you. I do have the experience of denying everything i do not like. In the end, I gain all things I don't like.
I did apologize, yet give up to keep asking for your forgiveness. May God preserves you from those who are cruel, especially me because I am your biggest enemy right now.
I have this feeling, that you will not forgive me forever. I do not mind. Just let me feel the pain in the hereafter because I know I deserve to be treated like that. Trust is the most important things for you and I had broke the trust and you will no longer see me as a trustful person. I am sorry. Later on, I will neither disturb you not making you life miserable. I just need some time to vanish completely from this world. Then you can have your life peacefully. Enjoy and have no worries because your worries has vanish and you will never see me again. Unless GOD loves to play our fate and meet us someday unexpectedly. Who knows? Only GOD knows everything.
It's not GOD I want to blame. It's myself. I blame myself for being cruel. I blame myself for being crazy. I blame myself for being an asshole. And I blame myself for making you hate me. The blame continue and continue until i can't take it anymore. I was too dependent on you. I was too naive to stand alone. I was too fragile to see my life over with a disaster. I was too weak to handle the aftermath alone and I was too stupid to let that thing to happen. What had done is done. I cannot change the past and I'm living for my future.
If you open your heart to forgive me, I am most welcome your forgiveness as yours is a bless for me, as angel from the sky, spreading the God's good will to me. If the forgiveness came sincerely from your heart, I have no more regret to leave this world, so that moment will last forever.
I plan to run away. but if FATE is going to make us see each other AGAIN. We'll see later.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Work vs Study (ii)
Hi There!
Nice to see you again... My posting for this part will not be too long to be read. Just wanna finish my last posting.
Work,work work.... nothing stuck in my mind when I was in my last year of schooling. Being comfortable with workloads, my holiday was like a hell. I did nothing every holiday, wasting my time with television channel, sleeping and of course eating. Life was so simple... and BORED. My mind kept looking forward to have my days in the school. Why??? Looking back at my past, i by myself do agree that i was not as normal as another students. My senior year in my school was fully occupied with my duty as a librarian.If you were there every day, you will see my face at the counter, or perhaps, around the library. As I gave fully attention to my duty, I didn't realize that i had neglected my study. Every night, after 12 midnight, when some of us were already in their dreams, i picked all my home works, and bring myself to the dining hall. our dining hall is an open hall. so, i stayed there until 2am and 3 am, depending on how much did I care about my homework.
The works continue although i was officially resign from my duty. However, after having the transition period, from being too busy with duty to too busy with study, I realize something that i should realize from the beginning. i should not get involved with lots of things. I may pass with flying colors in my studies. Well, let the past be the past. Nothing we can do anymore.
Just an advice from me, for those who are still considering to take part in a co-curriculum activity, it is best for you to make sure your study is strongly build. If not, your Study may lose to Works. I did experience it for several times. And what a part of me tell myself??? " I regret for being too busy with Works until I left my study behind."
The choice is in your hand. Choose it wisely.
Nice to see you again... My posting for this part will not be too long to be read. Just wanna finish my last posting.
Work,work work.... nothing stuck in my mind when I was in my last year of schooling. Being comfortable with workloads, my holiday was like a hell. I did nothing every holiday, wasting my time with television channel, sleeping and of course eating. Life was so simple... and BORED. My mind kept looking forward to have my days in the school. Why??? Looking back at my past, i by myself do agree that i was not as normal as another students. My senior year in my school was fully occupied with my duty as a librarian.If you were there every day, you will see my face at the counter, or perhaps, around the library. As I gave fully attention to my duty, I didn't realize that i had neglected my study. Every night, after 12 midnight, when some of us were already in their dreams, i picked all my home works, and bring myself to the dining hall. our dining hall is an open hall. so, i stayed there until 2am and 3 am, depending on how much did I care about my homework.
The works continue although i was officially resign from my duty. However, after having the transition period, from being too busy with duty to too busy with study, I realize something that i should realize from the beginning. i should not get involved with lots of things. I may pass with flying colors in my studies. Well, let the past be the past. Nothing we can do anymore.
Just an advice from me, for those who are still considering to take part in a co-curriculum activity, it is best for you to make sure your study is strongly build. If not, your Study may lose to Works. I did experience it for several times. And what a part of me tell myself??? " I regret for being too busy with Works until I left my study behind."
The choice is in your hand. Choose it wisely.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Works vs Study (i)
Are you a multitask person? Having three works in a time??? I am a multitask people. Well, I was not when I was a little boy. The routine was so happy and i love it very much. After the school session, I just need to help my mother to buy some vegetables and chicken, or perhaps, watching television by myself and struggle for my homework. I could feel the moment I just need to open my books and read all of them and finish them all in a month. No other things bother me. Well, I confess that I am not a straight A's student, as my brain got stuck with numbers. :P But still, that moments, I want to feel it again.
My life was never been so busy until I stepped my life in Form 2. That day has changed my life, totally. Starting from my elocution in Bahasa Melayu, until my election as Student Representative Council member in my former school, and my travel to MJSC Batu Pahat. One year changed my life.
2004, a year which I will remember for the whole of my life. i was looking for my opportunity to get involve with co curriculum activity. One would be enough, I told to myself. So, I went for an audition for elocution. Shockly, I got it. So, I need to Study and do some practise on my lines and remembering every words. Tiring, and quite disappointing. First match, first lose. Done. I told myself I would not going to participate in any occasion. Things went the other way around. Our school, MARA Junior Science College is looking for the third batch of Student Representative Council (BWP). I applied for the election. The disaster occur. I was elected to be one of the members. Then my job was to make sure our dining hall is well organised and clean. At first, this responsible was put totally on my shoulder. Whalla! Me, with no experience in handling a task to deal with other people almost turn the Dining Hall (DS) into a hell. For my first semester of becoming the Health and Food Affair, it was a disaster. HOwever, when it came 2005, I reread my jobscope so I will be clear in doing my jobs. Alhamdulillah, I managed to handle the task with less problem. After resigned officially from my job, I could study better. Alhamdulillah, I receive my first Principle's List in my last semester in that school. Thanx to Mr Rizalman, Homeroom 3C1 2003-2005. I was'nt able t oreach my last semester in the school successfully without all of you.
The story does not stop there. The war of Study against Works still continue in my life. Entering an upper secondary school means entering a new environment. Staying in MARA Junior Science Pengkalan Chepa a.k.a. Kota Bharu was another big leap for my life. My playful intention to enter a Nasyeed audition turns me into the nasyid team. With our competition in February 2006, I started to skip my class, legally. My effort to be in drama team was positive as I was accepted as one of the members. I was so glad. Then I begun feel the tension of works. Work loads plus study. After that, in the beginning of the second semester of 2006, I need to represent my school for nasheed competition at MJSC Transkrian. Luckily we won the second place, I mean first runner up in the competition. Our drama members were interested to take part as helpers in Malaysia MJSC Leadership Convention as our school was the host for the convention on that year. Helpless helpers! that is the right term to describe us. All of us did five jobs during the convention. Seriously speaking, when we went back to our room, the room was full of Exhaustion. And we need to sacrifice one week holiday, instead of enjoying it at home. If you were in the closing ceremony, you could notice the same person again and again on the stage, performing different things. I was one of the person. From acting as a reporter in a news, playing a role of a rockers (gheee, was that me??? I don't beleive it by myself), and one of the nasheed members. I was more than multitasking on that time. Instead, I got a food booth that I needed to take care of. Where that booth come from? I joined Young Entrepreneurs Program. Then, I joined Police cadet in my school. A forthnight of training, with only two days with no training, meaning we can attend the classes on those days. I was 99% neglecting my study. The situation became worse when Additional Mathematics, I'm weak with it, entered a new topics. I was almost killed by the previous topics, and our teacher, Mr. Lee Tong Hai opened a new chapter, Calculus. Limits is not my specialty. I'm bad with numbers. And then, I need to go to MJSC PDRM Kulim to attend the competition. another five days I lost my class. If I calculate every single class I skipped, I should have been kicked out from the school. then I joined Librarian. I love books.
Oops, it is 2:00 am. Need to shut down my eyes. I have Event Management Seminar tomorrow, 7:45 am. Another works to do.
:( Sad, but this is my life. wait for my Works vs Study (ii)
My life was never been so busy until I stepped my life in Form 2. That day has changed my life, totally. Starting from my elocution in Bahasa Melayu, until my election as Student Representative Council member in my former school, and my travel to MJSC Batu Pahat. One year changed my life.
2004, a year which I will remember for the whole of my life. i was looking for my opportunity to get involve with co curriculum activity. One would be enough, I told to myself. So, I went for an audition for elocution. Shockly, I got it. So, I need to Study and do some practise on my lines and remembering every words. Tiring, and quite disappointing. First match, first lose. Done. I told myself I would not going to participate in any occasion. Things went the other way around. Our school, MARA Junior Science College is looking for the third batch of Student Representative Council (BWP). I applied for the election. The disaster occur. I was elected to be one of the members. Then my job was to make sure our dining hall is well organised and clean. At first, this responsible was put totally on my shoulder. Whalla! Me, with no experience in handling a task to deal with other people almost turn the Dining Hall (DS) into a hell. For my first semester of becoming the Health and Food Affair, it was a disaster. HOwever, when it came 2005, I reread my jobscope so I will be clear in doing my jobs. Alhamdulillah, I managed to handle the task with less problem. After resigned officially from my job, I could study better. Alhamdulillah, I receive my first Principle's List in my last semester in that school. Thanx to Mr Rizalman, Homeroom 3C1 2003-2005. I was'nt able t oreach my last semester in the school successfully without all of you.
The story does not stop there. The war of Study against Works still continue in my life. Entering an upper secondary school means entering a new environment. Staying in MARA Junior Science Pengkalan Chepa a.k.a. Kota Bharu was another big leap for my life. My playful intention to enter a Nasyeed audition turns me into the nasyid team. With our competition in February 2006, I started to skip my class, legally. My effort to be in drama team was positive as I was accepted as one of the members. I was so glad. Then I begun feel the tension of works. Work loads plus study. After that, in the beginning of the second semester of 2006, I need to represent my school for nasheed competition at MJSC Transkrian. Luckily we won the second place, I mean first runner up in the competition. Our drama members were interested to take part as helpers in Malaysia MJSC Leadership Convention as our school was the host for the convention on that year. Helpless helpers! that is the right term to describe us. All of us did five jobs during the convention. Seriously speaking, when we went back to our room, the room was full of Exhaustion. And we need to sacrifice one week holiday, instead of enjoying it at home. If you were in the closing ceremony, you could notice the same person again and again on the stage, performing different things. I was one of the person. From acting as a reporter in a news, playing a role of a rockers (gheee, was that me??? I don't beleive it by myself), and one of the nasheed members. I was more than multitasking on that time. Instead, I got a food booth that I needed to take care of. Where that booth come from? I joined Young Entrepreneurs Program. Then, I joined Police cadet in my school. A forthnight of training, with only two days with no training, meaning we can attend the classes on those days. I was 99% neglecting my study. The situation became worse when Additional Mathematics, I'm weak with it, entered a new topics. I was almost killed by the previous topics, and our teacher, Mr. Lee Tong Hai opened a new chapter, Calculus. Limits is not my specialty. I'm bad with numbers. And then, I need to go to MJSC PDRM Kulim to attend the competition. another five days I lost my class. If I calculate every single class I skipped, I should have been kicked out from the school. then I joined Librarian. I love books.Oops, it is 2:00 am. Need to shut down my eyes. I have Event Management Seminar tomorrow, 7:45 am. Another works to do.
:( Sad, but this is my life. wait for my Works vs Study (ii)
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
New Year.. New Spirit
Actually, it is not Introduction to Oil and Gas Company, but Introduction to Oil and Gas Industry. I accidentally typed it wrong. =P
2009, it is a new year in my life, a new determination in my life.
Looking back to my 2008, my life was full of hatred, frustration and works... workloads never end. In the beginning of 2008, my decision to further my studies in a higher institution in Perak had totally changed my life. My dream to further my studies in language field had been crushed into pieces. Frustrated with my fate, I sometimes think my life has no means anymore. What I want is not happen. Well, i blame myself for attending this university. Well, nothing that I could do anymore. Being a scholar of an oil and gas company in my country, I must have a spirit of servicing the community. My last post talked about ICT, yeah, it was a stupid thought that I ever done in my life. Why should we blame the situation? There is a reason why something happen. That what Marissa Clark told Gary Hobson in Early Edition.
Today, there is no more hesitation in my life and I will continue my studies in the university. I still can catch the lessons here. And the most important thing that I must concern right now, I HAVE LOTS OF GOOD FRIENDS.
THANX YOU GUYS.
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