Saturday, November 24, 2012

Freaking out

Yerp. I am. Now. Until now.
What you will do when you thought your dream job is not gonna happen and suddenly it drop down in front of you, begging you to take it with you... and.... you have to leave it as a matter that it violates some of the rules that you should not break, which you didn't know them?
Two months, two weeks. Nothing was done. Job hunting, interviews, scams, decline, decline, decline, they decline, I decline, everybody decline.
This is a tough journey for me. Very tough. Kinda glad, but kinda sad. Kinda glad because I now understand that life is not as easy as you think. Once you almost got what you wanted for years, but due to your academic excellency, you have to let your dream job go, not to mention the job somehow abet with religion's rules..... the last key word just make my tongue numb, my brain want to explode, my eyes was ready to roll down the warm tears and I want to shout but I couldn't. I want to cry but I couldn't do that. Thanx to you. I still need some family advice. If not, I'm just gonna roll that by myself.
I used to be busy. Super busy. Day and night. Regardless the season. Everything is the same to me. But after i got the news, I almost think my world fell apart, crumbled, trashed. And this crazy thinking came to my mind. Honestly, I was thinking. "Why the hell I spent five years just to be in the company where i never know i will be in the company or not, by taking something I have no passion, i have no interest at all?" And this crazy thinking came with another crazy idea "You put me in this, where I have to go through all of this, and if I'm done here with nothing, you gonna let me here alone?"
Those i would say, are my dark sides. The negative part of me.
I tried to make things as positive i could. Well, easy said than done. This is the toughest month for me compared last two months. You still have courage, positive mindset, positive attitudes, and you can fight depression very well. Not this month. For me, I handled my depression quite bad this month. I yelled, almost cried, I think of looking for another job, bla bla bla. Everything is in my mind, I'm losing my focus. that what one of the interviewer told me.
I have to pass my dream job, my degree isn't really reflect my ability+ personality, I have debt to pay (which I think I need to bear them alone), my future employer released me from employment (reason I have to pay the debt) and the position I'm looking isn't enough to cover the debt in one year after, and now I'm having a phase which I feel down everytime I planned not happened as it is and I'm losing ideas for contingency plans.
My brother agreed to help me to further my studies in Master. However he can't afford much. But he must help me to get my master degree if I don't get a job by next year. If I get a job by end of this year, if it is just a contract, I'm gonna further my studies. If I cannot further my studies, I will make sure my brother fully responsible on my expenditure, my life afterwards. He really like to meddle into my life.
Life has lots of IF. A computer, an agent or even an AI can't really solve this problems. God works are working in a complex way. I'm just gonna tag along with this game.
For someone who has nobody in this world, this freak me out. Yes, I'm freaking out.


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