I have a bad habit.
I always put mental block within my mind.
"I cannot do this." "I cannot do that." "I hate to do this." "Why do you people hate me so much to do this job?" "Why do you force me to take this way? I'm suffering right now!"
Ok, the last one is a bit personal.
Currently, this is what I'm having right now. Depression. Emotional Explosion. Rejection. Fear. Insecure. Vulnerable. Inferior. And many more negative thoughts playing in my mind.
I can blame myself for choosing those feeling to play their music in my psychopath minded as they play the song after the songs of Happiness, Hope, Pleased, Motivation, Strong-Heart are tired of playing their orchestra since two months ago. When positivity reduced, there will be a gap in our life. And what kind of things that like to fill the gap most of the time? Negativity. The song of jealousy will jump first. And then followed by the song of Rejection, Fear, Insecure, Vulnerable. They than create a concert within one's self called Tour of Depressions, Featuring Popular Depression Artists such as Amy Whining, Bill Yelling, Chris Crying and Justin Complaining. The Hit Songs from the Tour of Depression are: Baby, Hire Me Now, Bad Boys Unemployed, My Dream Job Fly Away, Why I can't have you?, Listen To My Cry, Dumb Family is Dumb, I Want To Die, Don't mess with Me, I Don't Want to be control anymore.
The song of positivity is hard to penetrate once the Tour of Depression was commenced. They started play their positive musics to the clubs around the town and plan to go for underground sales.
Positive songs are getting popular but not as popular as Tour of Depression song. Their best hits currently are: Yes I can Do IT!, Gimme more job interviews (Featuring Glowing Britney), Shut up (if you know nothing about me), I will take my leap, I am stronger, Catch the dream, Kick out the voices, I'm breaking through (Featuring Vanessa Alert and Zac Wisdom) and the most crazy positive song, Why Not? has been the most popular positive song in the list.
So I just stop whining a bit and question myself. Why not?
Why Not if I just pursue my dream job and give no care about what people say? Why not?
Why Not if I just go and find a new field which is totally new to me and start from scratch? Why not?
Why Not I just celebrate all the success my friend have right now? Why not?
Why Not I just fll my life with positivity and live my life as God want? Why not?
Why Not I just go further my studies, let my brother pay for it, and may be i find happiness someday? Why not?
Why not I just stop all the whining, let my ear deaf to all criticism as some of them are bullshit? Why not?
Why not I just have my own program, do whatever i love to do regardless what people say? Why not?
Why not I just think positive on what is happening to me and let it be my experience for people to take lesson from my life? Why not?
All of this why Nots takes a great attitude to endure the pain, the falls, the crazy arrangements, the depression, the whinings, the tears, the yellings, the insecurity, to pass through all of them.
I takes great courage to stay positive for three months with no depression solution. I'm stuck here. I need to get out from this. I must plan something. I must run away.
Yes I need an escape
An escape to runa away from all of this.
Or else I'm gonna die from depression, family depression, internal quarrel and not to mention, self destruction.
People think they know who I am, but they did not really know who I am. If they read this, they will just know I am just a whining pig talking bout what I did not have, what I did not achieve. But they never asked themselves. What they had done before to me until I was driven crazy like this?