Freaking out

Yerp. I am. Now. Until now.
What you will do when you thought your dream job is not gonna happen and suddenly it drop down in front of you, begging you to take it with you... and.... you have to leave it as a matter that it violates some of the rules that you should not break, which you didn't know them?
Two months, two weeks. Nothing was done. Job hunting, interviews, scams, decline, decline, decline, they decline, I decline, everybody decline.
This is a tough journey for me. Very tough. Kinda glad, but kinda sad. Kinda glad because I now understand that life is not as easy as you think. Once you almost got what you wanted for years, but due to your academic excellency, you have to let your dream job go, not to mention the job somehow abet with religion's rules..... the last key word just make my tongue numb, my brain want to explode, my eyes was ready to roll down the warm tears and I want to shout but I couldn't. I want to cry but I couldn't do that. Thanx to you. I still need some family advice. If not, I'm just gonna roll that by myself.
I used to be busy. Super busy. Day and night. Regardless the season. Everything is the same to me. But after i got the news, I almost think my world fell apart, crumbled, trashed. And this crazy thinking came to my mind. Honestly, I was thinking. "Why the hell I spent five years just to be in the company where i never know i will be in the company or not, by taking something I have no passion, i have no interest at all?" And this crazy thinking came with another crazy idea "You put me in this, where I have to go through all of this, and if I'm done here with nothing, you gonna let me here alone?"
Those i would say, are my dark sides. The negative part of me.
I tried to make things as positive i could. Well, easy said than done. This is the toughest month for me compared last two months. You still have courage, positive mindset, positive attitudes, and you can fight depression very well. Not this month. For me, I handled my depression quite bad this month. I yelled, almost cried, I think of looking for another job, bla bla bla. Everything is in my mind, I'm losing my focus. that what one of the interviewer told me.
I have to pass my dream job, my degree isn't really reflect my ability+ personality, I have debt to pay (which I think I need to bear them alone), my future employer released me from employment (reason I have to pay the debt) and the position I'm looking isn't enough to cover the debt in one year after, and now I'm having a phase which I feel down everytime I planned not happened as it is and I'm losing ideas for contingency plans.
My brother agreed to help me to further my studies in Master. However he can't afford much. But he must help me to get my master degree if I don't get a job by next year. If I get a job by end of this year, if it is just a contract, I'm gonna further my studies. If I cannot further my studies, I will make sure my brother fully responsible on my expenditure, my life afterwards. He really like to meddle into my life.
Life has lots of IF. A computer, an agent or even an AI can't really solve this problems. God works are working in a complex way. I'm just gonna tag along with this game.
For someone who has nobody in this world, this freak me out. Yes, I'm freaking out.

Dream Job

I once had a dream. A dream created when I was a small boy. I talked to my late mom about this. I am confidence that I suit this job very much. I like the job because it allows me to talk to many people, taking care of them with love and let them have their journey safe and comfortable.
Last weekend, I attended the interview. I had my luck. I was selected. But mt family must oppose me from getting this job as my career. I'm in dilemma. I consult my friend, my sister. Everyone gives their support. I feel like I'm gonna get this job.
Then I called my brother. One word. It stopped me from getting the job. It's very hard for me to make the decision. I have to decline the offer. I'm good with the job. I know I can excel in the job and I can be the best employee in the job. But then, just one sentence made me think twice.
I may decline the offer. God, Kill me for doing this. I feel terrible. For myself, for my family.
I need a break. Away from here. Perhaps, an escape. Yes, an escape. I will do it.

Job Hunting

Hello Hello~

Hey everybody!  Sorry for not updating this blog quite sometime. I think I need to focus on my study for a while. That is the reason this blog is not updated every month. Fortunately, I'm now graduating. Yup. Time travels so fast. I still remember I had this blog opened since 2008 and this is 2012... and i didn't make much post. Yes. I was busy with my business, and my study too.
I'm now in KL, well not exactly in KL, but staying around KL really helps me to find a job.

I'm now actively searching for job, which I prefer the position of Public Relation, Customer Relation, Human Resource or Sales and Marketing.
Wish me luck for my job hunting here :)

Over the finish line

Hey. It's been so long I didn't post anything here. Kinda busy.

I'm graduated. Happy. Sad. Blank.
Three kind of feelings mixed up. Dunno what should i do now. Apply for some jobs. But still. not convince I will get an immediate one.

Harapan

Aku tersenyum
Melihat kekhilafan diri
Yang pernah satu ketika
Menarik jiwa ini
Jauh ke jurang kegelapan

Aku tersenyum
Melihat air mata
Yang pernah kutitiskan
Setelah sekian lama
Bertakung di sungai duka

Setiap kali embun turun ke bumi
Setiap kali itulah aku menjalin benang kekuatan
untuk menempuh hari mendatang

Setiap kali kulihat sinar mentari di ufuk langit
Setiap kali itulah aku menanti bunga harapan
agar mekar membunga dari kudupnya

Aku yang mengejar cahaya
Aku yang mengejar cinta
Aku yang mencari jalan pulang
kepada-Nya.